At twenty-one years old, I wrote a song called "24." The lyrics go like this:
When will I sing about having a good time?
When will I sing about having a good time?
I don't think you need me to sing about me
Think you need something with positivity
When will anyone stare?
When will anyone actually be there?
And if there's no encore
I'll be dead before 24
Is it obvious enough? The song is an existential crisis. I was depressed and anxious and couldn't picture my future after college, hence the thesis statement at the bottom.
These days I generally feel one of two ways about the content of a song like this (of which I wrote a few). I either:
- Decide to have empathy for myself and what I was going through
- Decide to condemn what I find now to be manipulative and selfish songwriting
The former gets more airtime in my brain. "24" is emblematic of a shitty emotional trick I see everywhere, in media and in life, where the author absolves themselves of shitty behavior by commenting on their shitty behavior.
I am past believing that commentary is inherently productive or that an expression of vulnerability is inherently valorous.
"24" sells itself as a harsh self-examination. The first line acknowledges that I wasn't often singing about having a good time. It goes so far as to suggest the listener find another song to listen to. This is an annoying motif, but whatever.
The second half is harder for me to forgive. In a barely-veiled threat, I sing that if nobody stares, if nobody is there, if there's no encore (read as: if no one gives me adequate attention and praise for my musical efforts), I will be dead within three years. I remember doing the calculations of which age my suicide would be the most likely. Well, I won't kill myself immediately upon graduating, I'll probably last two years until I know hope is fully lost.
This is how I felt at the time and I know I had the right to feel it. I wish I had known better than to express it in this way. Who knows, though; maybe if I was still as depressed as I was at twenty-one I'd have a different perspective on it.
When I've expressed my disdain for the conduct of certain Short Shorts material (I call them Unhelpfully Angsty or Selfishly Vulnerable), the response I've gotten the most often is that that quality is actually good, that people really respond to "honest" songwriters who put it all out there. Maybe.
Clearly I've been thinking about this idea a lot as I distance myself from the Short Shorts alias and start to try taking songwriting seriously in a new and different way. I believe it is possible to write emotional songs that are Useful, that don't hurt or expose, that holds the interests of more than just its author. It's a hard thing to pinpoint, but I know it when I hear it or see it and I'm trying to do it.
I'm very happy to be alive at twenty-four. The lesson is to learn from and forgive myself continuously.
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